I woke up this morning and I found out that I did not get the Fulbright. Gasp, I know.
Whenever you read the words “I regret to inform you” in the beginning of a letter and then “please do not reply to this email” at the end, you can walk away feeling a sense of rejection. But then again, it’s not going to change the fact that after this month we will have ample data that will clarify the need for a sexual health intervention in primary and secondary schools. This trip was a pilot study to get data, and we are getting that. And if we design a program and implement it in the future, that will be awesome. It doesn’t have to be funded by the US federal government for that to happen.
Perhaps the most tangible thing that I feel right now is just a touch of panic about the future. I know that is pointless and a waste of energy because we just don’t know what the future holds. I might as well just hope rather than worry because it’s better for my health and just as possible as not that the future will be bright and beautiful.
BUT, it’s difficult not to feel scared that the stress we’ve experience over the past year or so will continue indefinitely. Moving here to accomplish this health promotion project on a federal grant was itself a meaningful purpose; it was also kind of my escape route for our little family from the overwhelming stress that we are experiencing in the good ol’ US of A.
But honestly, I have never once prayed that I would get the Fulbright. My prayer has always been that the decision made by the Institute of International Education would be in the best interest of our little family. And so, if I consider my future and my life with the belief that God is involved and that He cares about me, I am going to believe that this is okay and even better for us.
There have been other ships that have left me on the shore as they’ve sailed beyond me out into the great big sea towards opportunity. And sometimes my heart does feel shipwrecked when I think that I want to be somewhere else, but I am here. But as I look back on my life, other events that seemed at the time to be missed opportunities or disappointments were really for the best.
So, sail on, S.S. Fulbright. I’ll hope that something better is yet to come. And in the meantime, I’ll focus on all the people and features about my life that I do really love. I’ll focus on the present, and I’ll do my best to appreciate the moments in which I find myself.