The days of Sen

2 years ago, I was a mom, but my role was extremely different than it is now. I was working full-time, in graduate school full-time, and then trying to be an involved mother whenever possible. Collin was the primary caregiver in our family, and he was the one who cooked all the food and kept the home fires burning. He changed the majority of diapers (all cloth, to his credit); he put her down for her naps and for bed a lot of nights while I was at work or at class. He knew all her favorite songs and books and toys. He knew what her favorite foods were and how to get her calm down when she was fussy. He entertained and cared for our baby girl almost all day every day.

 

Then we switched roles. And moved to California. And I remember that first day he drove off on his motorcycle to work in Marina Del Rey for a cut-throat marketing firm and I stayed home with Sen all day for the first time ever. As the sound of his motorcycle faded into the distance, the realization that it was just me and Sen (and Zuri, of course) crystallized.

 

“So. What do you want to do today?” I asked my 15 month old friend. I had so much to learn about her, about our relationship, and about myself as a mother.

 

My motherhood looks so vastly different now; I spend my days (and honestly still a good chunk of my nights) with my tiny pal, Sen. Besides the fact that my role changed from being a full-time working mom to being a primary caregiver, Senya herself has changed so drastically since that first day we spent together in Topanga, California. She’s quite the conversationalist now, and she has a lot of excellent opinions. She has a highly developed will, a fantastic sense of humor, is unbelievably emotionally intelligent and expressive, and she is extremely physically active. It takes everything I’ve got to keep up with this little package of tremendous person.

 

I have always loved hard work with a good pay off. I love climbing mountains, backpacking, running (all of which are on hold at this point of almost full-term pregnancy). I loved both undergrad and my master’s program, and my favorite professors were the ones who pushed me the most to do my best work.

 

And that is what it’s like for me to parent. It’s intense. It’s challenging. It takes everything I’ve got. And it’s rewarding. It’s meaningful. It’s beautiful beyond words to know another human being so well, to care so closely and so intricately for someone that they feel as familiar as another being can. To be wanted and loved so innately by someone is sacred; to be so needed by someone else is something I don’t take lightly. As my good friend Sarah once said to me about the business of raising kids, “It’s their SOULS [that we’re shaping, that we’re influencing, that we’re in charge of nurturing]!” That’s an enormous responsibility.

 

Anyway, all this to say, I think from time to time while I’m in the midst of being with Sen during the day, “I should blog about this; I should write a paper on that.” By the time I sit down with my computer at night, though, I can’t remember a darn thing. I know I wanted to expound on our recent switch back to eating a whole foods and plant based diet. I wanted to get really specific and make it interesting and attainable yet factual and science based why we have been adhering to a vegan diet again.

 

And now after my day is done, I’m finally sitting here trying to compose a blog post. And when I think of the topic of being vegan, the only mental note I took that I remember is to say, “freeze your bananas.” You won’t regret it.

 

I’ll make it back here sometime soon(ish) to report on the plant based eating. But until then, I’ll just say that I’m happy to give my resources to my tiny friend. Last night as she was drifting to sleep she said to me, “Because I am only 2, tomorrow I will run and jump and play. But one day, I’ll have to go to school.”

 

And she’s right. This is her moment to be free and wild. These are the days I will always remember and I will never regret.

sledding 155k1jp85oi87 1hqnhxs6cohgl 1hkllbzl8me36 rainy days

**Really, though, if you’re making a protein shake, a smoothie, or anything blended…adding frozen banana will make it so much better. I keep bananas sliced and in a container in the freezer so that they are ready to just blend anytime I’m making a protein shake (which is at least once a day).

resolutely happy.

For the past month or perhaps a little less (I’ve lost track), it felt like all signs were pointing towards an imminent move back to our house in West Grove. It was like we were on a plane that was getting lower and lower as it approached it’s runway for landing in Philly; the plane started doing all those weird noises when you know its getting its landing gear ready. The flight attendants were telling us to put our seats in upright position. They were taking all our trash one more time. Then at the last minute, this plane shot back up in the air and announced it would be heading several states over to Arkansas. Or something.

 

This sudden twist and the resulting realization that we don’t have a foreseeable move home in our future has made me resolved to appreciate what we do have here in California. We’ve got each other. We’ve got some really close family members besides just our little nucleus. We’ve got mountains and beaches and world-class national parks within a relatively short driving distance. We’ve got as much entertainment as we could ever want at our disposal with the city revolving around the movie industry and basically fun in general. You can always wear jeans anywhere and be appropriately dressed. It’s sunny almost always which is good for a family that loves to be outside and camp a lot. It’s metropolitan; there’s plenty of diversity. There are progressive churches that make those of us who tend towards being a bit more liberal feel at ease and accepted.

 

I know that if some of our family and friends back east read this, they might be sad to read the above paragraph because it’s about me adjusting to life here; that could be interpreted as threatening our desire to move home. The two aren’t mutually exclusive—keeping my heart fond of home and allowing myself to love it here. It’s important for me to not live like I’m somewhere else when I’m really here. I need to be present, and I need to be grateful. I was present for the first 6 or so months that we were out here, and then I decided right around March that it was time to move back east. I wouldn’t accept the possibility of being here much longer. And that’s not healthy. It’s not reality. If I do that here, wouldn’t I do that back east, too? Probably. If I can’t master being present and content and grateful when I live somewhere that actually does have so much of what I always whined that I didn’t have when I did live back east, then I don’t think I’d move back east and be grateful either.

 

Life is what we are doing now. Home is where this little family is together. Yes, my heart feels torn to be away from so many people that I love. But, I’m here right now, and there is a lot for which I am thankful.

I’ve been blogging–just not here.

Sorry for the long hiatus in Twirling Leaf posts. I still love writing; it’s just that my recent blogging has been as a guest writer on Body Inspired Fitness’ website and not here. For anyone interested in catching up on the posts I’ve written, here are the links:

Oxygen Mask

Game Changer 

Perception

Happiness Part I

Happiness Part II

 

The Body Inspired Fitness Blog site has many great posts, if you want to check them out. It’s a great website in general for workout videos and lots of other resources for health and fitness.

Fighting coyotes.

Furry just came up from the woods after I whisper-yelled at her to return home and stop barking (Senya is sleeping, so a whisper-yell with a few claps for audible emphasis is the best I could do). She returned–hackles raised–from the valley in the woods where coyotes had just been howling. “Picking fights with coyotes? Let’s not kid ourselves, Furry; you sleep with a stuffed animal at night.”

And then I thought to myself, “Hmmm. Furry and I have a bit in common, tonight.”

I was a bit unreasonable in my defensiveness this evening too.

Last night I carefully crafted an email to a few prospective faculty mentors at various institutions to which I am applying. The email response that I received this evening was less than exciting. It did not make my spirits soar with the sense that, “I am awesome, and someone noticed!” I felt patronized and misunderstood. I felt defensive, and I started swinging metaphorical fists in my mind as follows,

“I’m a pretty good student. I have a darn near-perfect GPA from my Master’s program, and I have won awards, obtained grants to perform research in Kenya, wrote a thesis about it, have co-founded several sustainable development programs, etc. I’m used to people thinking I’m pretty fabulous in the world of academia. In other words, I’m awesome, what the eff is wrong with her?”*

Unfortunately, when people hand me criticism, sometimes I interpret it like they are telling me that I have failed.  Often people who strive for excellence in life will hear that they are not good enough. But that is good. That should happen. It means that we are putting ourselves in challenging situations that will continue to help us grow and become better versions of ourselves. When criticism is offered (or even blatant rejection), it doesn’t mean “GAME OVER…YOU LOSE” is scrolling across the screen of life. I guess I take criticism to heart quite often because I try to live with excellence. And I get really unsettled when I feel average or less.

I have this serious internal force moving me to do things, at all times, to a standard that I can respect. And I like that, but sometimes I have to try to be a little less intense about where I set my standards.

And there is this lurking question in my mind, “what makes you exceptional?”, and it can really can get under my skin. I do not want my life to pass without consequence. I’ve been trying so hard for so long to make sure that I matter that sometimes I miss the journey for the destinations.

I just love this life, and sometimes I get so intense about living it. I really can not imagine what it would be like to not live my life at a 9.5 on the intensity scale.

Truth be told, I actually love learning. That is the core of why I love school. I love development work; I love partnering with other people to achieve their goals that improve their overall health and quality of life. I love caring about social justice issues and understanding the complex web of determinants that create behavior and outcomes. I love arguing on behalf of a cause when I am confident I have a good one. I cherish my close relationships with people and God, and I am in awe of nature. I love running and hiking and boot camp. I love challenging myself and overcoming and succeeding because it reminds me that “I AM ALIVE! Wahoooooo!”

It’s really not all about needing positive feedback. It’s just that, positive feedback does tend to feel important when the people giving the feedback are interwoven into your attempt to solve the question, “what am I going to do for a career?”

I do have my values set where they should be; it’s just tricky trying to figure out a career path. I do what I love in life. The tricky part is just figuring out how to make money doing the things that I love and that are meaningful. For now, when I let myself just be on this journey, I am completely content with how I am spending my life. This is something that I am working to balance; I’m still learning how to be at peace and present but not fatalistic.

*and yes, I do use the euphemism “eff” in my mind these days, as Senya repeats everything.

 

 

Boost your brain’s happiness

The following is a summary of an article that I enjoyed reading entitled, “How to increase serotonin in the brain without drugs” by Simon N. Young.

 

*Note* I am completely supportive of people who do go the route of traditional medicine if that is what works best for them and those around them. Serious symptoms of depression (go here for a pretty extensive list) should be discussed with your doctor or mental health professional. This little list of things below, however, includes healthy suggestions that can benefit everyone. Especially if you find yourself feeling a mild case of the blues, try one or more of these suggestions.

 

1. Don’t underestimate the power of positive thinking!

Self-induced positive changes in thought (or changes due to psychotherapy) can change brain metabolism. A study conducted by Perreau-Linck et al. (2007) suggested that self-induced changes in mood can affect serotonin synthesis. Meditation, too, has a strong effect on the brain, and it can increase dopamine (Kjaer, Bertelsen, Piccini, et al., 2002).

 

Sometimes it helps me (this is now my advice not the original author’s) to write down my thoughts so that I can examine the contents of my thoughts more clearly. Writing has a way of making me process rather than just ruminate. Prayer with the belief that I am directing the contents of my heart and mind toward God feels more focused than mediating. I’ve not had much guidance or practice trying to meditate, and I’m not really all that interested in it (though I think it’s great for those who are patient enough to really power through the distractions and focus). Personally I prefer the self-induced changes via thought or prayer, but do what works best for you! The key is to take control of your thoughts when they start to go grim!

 

2. Shed a little light on the subject.

Exposure to bright light may also enhance serotonin levels in the brain. People have known for a while that bright light helps people with Seasonal Affective Disorder, but now some researchers concur that it may also help with nonseasonal depression (Golden, Gaynes, Ekstrom, et al., 2005), in prenatal depression (Epperson, Terman, Terman, et al., 2004), and premenstrual dysphoric disorder (Lam, Carter, Misri, et al., 1999).

 

My advice: Get outside, if possible. Even on a cloudy day, the level of light outside is generally much higher than it is indoors. I know that winter can bring some harsh weather. I found, however, that once I stopped discounting cloudy, cold days as non-outside days I felt much better. Even just a short walk or some time playing outside all bundled up can really lift the mood. If schedules or weather make that too challenging to get outside in a day, then buy a light that simulates the sun.

 

3. Move it!

Studies examining the relationship between exercise  and mood pretty clearly demonstrate that exercise has antidepressant effects (Davis, Alderson, Welsh, 2000). Exercise has been shown to increase the amount of serotonin in the brain as well as tryptophan. Purified tryptophan in the brain is a mild hypnotic. Exercising just makes me feel better on so many levels. It boosts my self-esteem, self-confidence, and self-efficacy. It also reminds me that what my body can do is awesome which shifts the focus from caring primarily about appearance to thinking about function and overall well-being. My advice: just get up and do something. Try it!

 

4. Eat happy food

Don’t go turkey-bingeing trying to achieve an elevated hypnotic state; purified tryptophan in your brain acts differently than the kind you consume from your food. In order to achieve an increase in brain serotonin through dietary consumption, you have to increase the amount of dietary tryptophan relative to the other amino acids that you consume. Now, this is what I read in the original article that I am summarizing by Simon N. Young. I don’t fully understand all of it. I basically concluded that high-protein foods  generally are jam-packed with a bunch of other amino acids besides just tryptophan; it’s like all those other amino acids call the shots in your brain; tryptophan has to take the back seat.

So, in order to get a real brain boost from dietary tryptophan, you’ll need to get it from a source that isn’t loaded with tons of other amino acids. So, they say that the domesticated chick pea fits the bill. It’s loaded with tryptophan and not too many other amino acids. So, eat some hummus or some chick peas if that’s an option for you.

My advice: think of food as fuel more often than not. Think about what you’re eating and how it will make you feel after the thrill of taste is gone. I’m the first to admit that I enjoy treats, too. If I find that my diet is becoming one big treat, however, I usually find that I am getting bigger as well–and feeling worse.

 

So, that concludes my attempt to sum up a great article and give you four concrete ways to naturally boost your brain chemicals.

 

 

 

 

Blomstrand E. (2001). Amino acids and central fatigue. Amino Acids, 20:25-34.

 

Davis, JM, Alderson NL, Welsh RS. (2000). Serotonin and central nervous system fatigue: nutritional considerations. American Journal of Clinical Nutrition, 72:573S-8S.

 

Epperson CN, Terman M, Terman JS, et al. (2004). Randomized clinical trial of bright light therapy for antepartum depression: preliminary findings. Journal of Clinical Psychiatry, 65:421-5.

 

Golden RN, Gaynes BN, Ekstrom RD, et al. (2005). The efficacy of light therapy in the treatment of mood disorders: a review and metaanalysis of the evidence. American Journal of Psychiatry, 162:656-62.

 

Kjaer TW, Bertelsen C, Piccini P, et al. (2002). Increased dopamine tone during meditation-induced change of consciousness. Brain Research: Cognitive Brain Research,13:255-9.

 

Lam RW, Carter D, Misri S, et al. (1999). A controlled study of light therapy in women with late luteal phase dysphoric disorder. Psychiatry Research, 86:185-92.

 

Perreau-Linck E, Beauregard M, Gravel P, et al. (2007). In vivo measurements of brain trapping of α-[11C]methyl-L-tryptophan during acute changes in mood states. Journal of Psychiatry and Neuroscience, 32:430-4.

 

Young, S. N. (2007). How to increase serotonin in the brain without drugs. Journal of Psychiatry and Neuroscience, 32(6): 394-399.

 

 

 

Discomfort may lead to improvement

Sorry for the long break in between posts. We had some splendid visitors (my mom and dad) for a couple of weeks, and I got out of the routine of posting.

 

We are doing well out here. I finished my first 6 week session of boot camp, and I am happy to be enrolled in another 6 week session that begins on November 7. I got sick for the last week of boot camp, and this (a long with some other events that took place) kept me from attending the last week of boot camp. I still finished well, though, as I participated in the 3 hour Ultimate Parker Challenge Event. It was intense–especially after taking a week off; it’s a good thing I had run a couple times during that week. Otherwise, I may not have had the psychological confidence that I could complete it.

 

And now some words about the psychology of working out. Here’s what Collin and I were discussing last night after a good 6 mile run at a pace that was uncomfortable for me (yet still conversational for him…sigh). We were saying that in order to get better at something, oftentimes you have to experience some discomfort. When I was pushing myself to run hard last night, the great Angela Parker’s words returned to me:

 

“Decide right now that you are going to be okay with the discomfort you are feeling. Recognize right now that the discomfort that you feel is a good thing. It means you are accomplishing the work that you want to do. It means you are reaching your goals.”

 

Man, that’s good stuff. It’s so true! When I remember these words of wisdom, I relax my face, I concentrate on my breathing, and I embrace the work that my body and mind are cooperating to do. When I let myself lean into the effort (rather than fighting it or trying somehow to avoid it) my actual performance improves. It’s an exciting and empowering phenomenon.

 

A lot of people fail to develop healthy fitness habits (getting exercise regularly), and one main reason is that people misinterpret the physical symptoms of getting into shape (I read this in Shelley Taylor’s Health Psychology text book last year, and that’s the best I can do right now for a citation if I want to finish this post while Senya is still napping).

 

People sometimes feel their lungs burning, they feel their hearts pounding, and they think that it’s the exercise that’s the problem. It’s unfortunate that some people never push past this stage of getting into shape. This is the worst stage! The reason some of us love running and working out is because that stage ends. It’s still hard work to run, but that lung-burning, gasping for oxygen, head-spinning, nauseous experience does take a back seat once your body is conditioned to working out.

 

Senya has awoken.

 

Here’s another thing I like from my MS program, “the body is more likely to rust out than wear out.”

 

So, get moving!

Thankful.

The past few days Collin was in New York City for work. Darby, Jason, Lyric and Ollie were kind enough to invite Senya, Zuri, and me to their home for the days that Collin was gone. I missed Collin, and I am so glad he’s home. It was pretty fun, though, to get to be with such fun people for a few days.

 

Here are some examples:

 

Sen and Jase developed some fun new games (i.e., below is the manual “frog hopper”).

I got to have quality time with my fantastic niece and nephew.

 

Jase and I went running each night, and I’m making my way back to being a self-identified “runner.”

 

Darbs watched Sen on Wednesday morning so I could do boot camp in the pouring rain. It was, as always, intense.

 

Then last night, Darby and Jase volunteered to watch Sen so Collin and I could go on a dinner date. We ordered some amazing Indian food on Santa Monica Boulevard and then watched the sunset as we ate.

Oh, and furry somehow made it on our date, too.

I’m really glad he’s home. And as I was dancing with Sen in the kitchen to a band I’ve recently started to love (Local Natives), she was snuggled into my chest. I was struck by how completely content and happy we both were and how close I feel to her. I can’t express adequately how thankful I am to Collin for giving me this gift of getting to be with her so much. He’s working really hard, and I really appreciate the life that I have right now.

Do what you’re doing with all of your heart.

So, in terms of an update: we went to Mosaic yesterday (that’s a church) in Pasadena. We have been both Sundays that we have been in LA, and it’s a fun way to spend our day. Darby, Jason, Lyric, and Ollie were there yesterday too. After church we went out for a bite to eat at a really great restaurant called the Peach Cafe in Monrovia. They had all kinds of delicious and interesting breakfast and lunch foods.

 

Then we went for a hike at a beautiful place that Collin selected. It was a waterfall trail, and it smelled nice the whole time. Sen was in a perfectly happy mood the whole day; she slept for part of the hike to the big waterfall. She then played in the waterfall stream and had a great time at the top. She was very happy the whole hike down the trail in her little backpack. It was fun. We finished the day by picking up Zuri from our little Topanga house and then heading down to Darby et. al’s house to eat a quick bite (I made a pizza with artichoke dip in lieu of the red sauce).

 

And as for what I’ll write regarding today~

 

I woke up at 5:30 this morning (as I do most boot camp mornings). Boot camp was pretty intense, plus I ran a little over 5 miles today. It’s kind of awesome up there on those bluffs in the morning. There are so many people who are working out, running, doing yoga, enjoying a walk, or being active in some way. There is an energy that exists up there that feels like my goals and dreams are really not that far fetched. It feels like I could accomplish what I set out to do in life, and there will probably be some excellent unexpected surprises as well.

 

I do really consider what that fellow boot camper told me to be good advice (“just show up, and just keep showing up”). I’d like to add to her advice that if you work diligently with what you have, more opportunities will make themselves available to you. I see this happen a lot in my life and in other peoples’ lives. Sometimes you have to start small with things that might not feel as big as the enthusiasm inside you. But if you do what you have set in front of you with all your heart, I really think that it matters.

 

Oftentimes, taking a long road to your destination builds a character strong enough to handle the even bigger successes that eventually will come your way. And a good character is worth a lot—whether your successes are more personal in nature such as in relationships, overcoming personal struggles, or mastering skills, or whether they extend to other areas of life such as in a career, financial prosperity, fame, etc.—taking the long road there will make you stronger. Whenever I reach the top of a mountain, so much of what makes that view so rewarding is how much it took to get there.

 

I’m thinking about the above principle as it pertains to Collin as he is working so hard at a new job. I’m thinking about it with myself in mind, as I’m staying at home full time for the first time ever with Senya in an entirely different set of circumstances than home has ever been. I’m thinking about that feeling when one’s heart longs for something more or different than it currently has, but yet, the person with that heart still gets up daily and puts every bit of themselves into what they currently do have. And maybe you just can’t put all of yourself into your job; maybe you can’t put all of yourself into some particulars of your circumstances. But I suggest finding something in which you can sincerely invest yourself. Being connected to a sincere love for what you are doing (at least in one area of your life) is so healthy.

 

A good Saturday.

Today the four of us went hiking at a park called Corral Canyon in Malibu. It was pretty fun because we were the only people on the trail, so once we hiked far enough away from PCH that you couldn’t hear the traffic it felt really familiar. Being in nature feels so normal for me, and we haven’t had much of that since we arrived here. Topanga is a pretty natural-style place, but I haven’t lived this close to neighbors since getting married. It’s a little different for me, and it’s a bit of an adjustment. So, it was nice to get outside and find some space to ourselves.

 

Sen had a fantastic time digging in the dirt and hiking down the mountain (I back-packed her up and then we let her loose so she could hike down on her own. She LOVED it!)

Then she was very tired.

Then we set out for home by way of our the dog-friendly spot on the beach near our mountain and let our web-footed furry friend splash around for a bit while our darling daughter played in the sand and marveled at the birds.

 

Last night was fun, too. Collin and I went out for a date at one of my favorite restaurants around here, Marmalade Cafe.

 

I’m working on finding my groove here, as all four of us are. And part of Collin finding his groove has entailed starting his very own blog! Check it out.

Boot Camp.

Yesterday morning, I woke up before my alarm (I had woken up several times preempting it so that Senya would not be awoken at 5:30 and decide that’s normal). I got ready, and left the house for my first day of boot camp in Santa Monica. It was a beautiful drive down our mountain and to the coastline. It felt adventurous to set out on my own to begin a new sort of “project” in a brand new place.

 

When I arrived (30 minutes early), I found a good parking spot, walked to the edge of the Santa Monica bluffs and looked out on the ocean for 15 minutes. It was cathartic to have some time alone with my thoughts about all the change that has recently transpired and all the novelty that continues to emerge daily.

 

When I approached the designated spot for boot camp, I saw a young girl (in her twenties) and I asked her if she was there for Angela’s boot camp. She responded that she was, and we chatted a little bit. We soon discovered that we were both from Pennsylvania and that we had only recently relocated here. “What brought you to LA?” I asked. “Well, I’m featured in this next season of an MTV show that is airing this October. Angela is my personal trainer.” Here’s the show’s trailer (I looked it up when I got home):

 

http://www.mtv.com/videos/misc/681202/chelsea-settles-trailer.jhtml#id=1668905

 

 

Then Angela arrived, and her hospitality and energy were contagious and put me at ease. The group also was really nice and funny and down to earth. Apparently, I picked a great time slot (according to the rest of the participants present and also my own observations).  The 7:30 group is friendly but also super intense about the workout. I was the only new person in the group, but I didn’t feel out of place. My neighbor to my right was very disarming and after a little chit-chat about my newness to the area and to boot camp specifically, she gave me some advice. “I’ve been working with Angela for a while now, and I’ve learned to just show up. If you’re sick, just show up. If you wake up with a hang over, just show up. If you feel good or not, just show up. You’ll always be glad that you did.”

 

We commenced the workout with a quick warm-up run around a loop on the Santa Monica bluffs. The rest of our hour was spent doing all kinds of strength training and intense work-out moves that were new to me. I was really challenged by her workout, but I left feeling inspired. Angela is a perfect blend of supportive and tough. She pushes people to reach deep within themselves to find the reasons that brought them to her during the most intense parts of the workout. She is really smart too, and she took [brief] bits of time when we were recovering from each specific series of exercises to explain the science behind her program design. I’m so glad that I’m doing this.

My muscles are sore today, but it’s not so bad that I am anything but excited to go back for more tomorrow.

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